Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
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High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
*gets down on one knee*
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
need a new bf mines broken 😐
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out