Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
greetings!
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.