ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
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Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next