Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
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Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
My loaf of bread looks terrified
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.