Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
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i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?