I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”