I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
You Might Also Like
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one