I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
You Might Also Like
I love you…
…r dog.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
*ernest hemingway voice*
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Merica.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks