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No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Finally a use for spoilers…
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true