I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
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HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Inside you there are two wolves
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Wait a second…
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
When you’ve simply given up.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’