[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
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You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”