swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
Fluff me with a fork baby
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.