Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
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I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.