I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
groan^2
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .