πYears
βπ 2022
βπ Good stuff
ββ οΈ This folder is empty
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Dad: βGO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!β
Child: *storms off* βJIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!β
Dad: βWHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?β
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Iβm so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/oβs sweatshirt after school.
Canβt tell whether sheβs starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
βSo how was your day today at work?β
βYou wouldnβt believe me if I told you.β π€¦ββοΈπ³π€―π
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
biggest issues with Australia?
β no late afternoon coffee
β footwear
β lack of nukes
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Said the murderer.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump