In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
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*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
sin harder.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
Britain be like
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I have no passwords left in me
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned