I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.