I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
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I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
When libraries troll their patrons.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all