I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
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i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of