“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
They must have gotten it to go.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room