Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
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I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
this is uni
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat