Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
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They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Rather alarming headline…
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
I hope this email finds you in a well
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Made something I’m not proud of
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.