April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
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Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
when dads have a rap battle
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*