Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
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LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN