I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
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*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.