Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
I have so many questions.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself