do what now??
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If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Finished stitching this today 😇
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??