Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
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ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
A game married people play.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”