*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
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This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
“A little help here, Danny?”
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
secret recipe
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”