[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
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I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”