Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
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DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot