[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
“i am a sweet baby”
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
But that’s none of my business