[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
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A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*updates tinder bio*
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
🤣🤣🤣
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*