“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
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safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
bought wrong eggs
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
🤔😂😂
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.