THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
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INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.