me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
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I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Sunday
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.