Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
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Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Life with a cat in one tweet
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.