Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
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i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Worst perfume name ever.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”