I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
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Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
three things we don’t talk about
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”