Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Just grow your own
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.