Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
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we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
I’ve had relationships like this
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
this has done me in for some reason
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better