Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
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I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
cats when you pet them too long:
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT