The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
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If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide