Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
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Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”