*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂