I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
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when someone compliments me
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut