Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
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3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”