[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
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remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
😂😂😂
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together