me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
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I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?