I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
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Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Don’t we all.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
I’m not stressed
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything